Fostering Abused Children

Background:

Victims of abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, and neglect) have trouble trusting anyone after they have been abused. This includes trusting themselves, to make the right choices in friends, lovers, and everyday events. It is important as a foster parent to help the child learn to trust themselves as well as you.

You cannot trust anyone else until you trust yourself.

After being abuse children form fears of:

Everyone knows what happened
I can't trust anyone
I wont fall in love
I wont be able to have kids
Will I do this to my kids
I'm worthless
I can't go on
No one will want me- I'm "damaged goods"

These fears may cause children to:

be attentive of mood changes in others
Be attentive to nonverbal behaviors
Want to please everyone
Hide thoughts and emotions

Different forms of abuse have different effects on children. These effects are closely related to:

The age that the abuse began
The relation ship that the abuser and victim had
The sex of the victim
If the victim knew the abuser before the abuse began
How long the abuse lasted
How often the abuse occurred
The severity and type of abuse
Family beliefs, behaviors and patterns

Emotional abuse causes feelings and behaviors of:

Tension
Nervousness
Fear
Doubt- of self and others

Emotional abuse causes feelings and behaviors of:

Fear
Anxiety
Depression
Anger
Hostility
Poor self-esteem

Emotional abuse causes feelings and behaviorsof:

Insecurity
Poor self-esteem
Destructive behavior
Anger-acting our (fire-setting or cruelty to animals)
Withdrawal
Anxiety
Developmental delay
Substance abuse
Suicide
Depression
Difficulty forming relationships

Abusers use lies to further their abusive behavior.

Abusers use lies to: put the child into a situation for abuse, convince the victim that the abuse is not abuse or even wrong, make the victim keep the secret.

These lies include, but are not limited to:

This is our special relationship
This is for your own good
I'm doing this because you are too stupid to figure things out on your own
You have to learn the hard way, just like I did
It only hurts the first time
I wouldn't do this if i did not love you so much
You have to help out. Your mom can't do anything right.
I'm the only one who keeps this family together
You just fell, remember?

These lies are used to "keep the secret":

Noone will believe you.
It's your fault that you didn't tell anyone.
I will hurt you if you tell
Your parent(s) will hate you if you tell
You wont get any more presents
Our family will fall apart and it will be your fault
You know you like it
I thought what we had was special
I never ment to hurt you
I never hit you- I only called you names- don't be a wimp

Helping the child to build trust and self-esteem

There are many ways to help abused children, the best one is to give them the control to help themselves.

This can be done with journaling, giving the child a place or way to express their feelings and thoughts without fear of consequence. The journal should be private. This privacy will help to build the child's trust in you. Journals increase self-awareness.

If the child wants to journal, show them what affermations are. Affirmations are statements that thce child uses to boost self worth.

One example is: I'm strong enough to survive what has happened to me. Or another is: I feel good about myself when I________. (fill in the blank with an activity.)

You should constantly reassure the child that:

you want to help them powerful enough to take care of themselves

they desirve to feel safe and protected

they desirve to feel happy and self confident

they desirve to be healthy and strong enough to accomplish their goals

they are important and matter

One good way to build self worth and self-esteem is by goal setting. Encourage the child to set goals and follow through. Goals should start small, so that the child does not get discouraged.

Like anyother trauma support groups are often very helpful. Support groups can consist of family members and friends, teachers coaches and community leaders (scout leaders etc.), or the police and child protection service workers.

Another technique is to have the child write a list of things that he/she has done in the past few weeks (both good and bad activities should be allowed) this list should only contain actions not feelings. Then using the same list the child should then write what they did or didn't do to take responsibility for the action.

Tips for parents

When a child goofs up try to take a positive out look on the situation.
Trusting the child will build the child's trust in you.
Bartering can build trust.
if you help me to get dinner ready, I will help you with your homework
Help the child to believe in their ability to make good decisions.

Sources

Crosson Tower, Cynthia
Secret Scars: a guide for survivors of sexual abuse
(C)1988 Viking Penguin Inc.; New York, New York

Pledge, Deanna S. PHD
When Something Feels Wrong: A survival guide about abuse for young people
(C)2003 Freespirit Publishing Minneapolis, Minnesota.

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